A little message -

Merry belated Christmas.

Happy ongoing Hanukkah.

Happy start to Kwanzaa.

Soon to be Happy New Year.

And most importantly - Happy Living, to all of you.

:)

Love,
Me.

"Holy" Shit.

One of my relatively good friends just sent me a text message asking, "If you died today, are you 100% sure you'd go to heaven?". 

If you ever feel compelled to ask me a question like this, don't. It's a quick way to lose a friend. I'm the only one out of my roommates that he sent that to. Implying that I lack faith in a God who's love I deserve. 

A) JUST because I'm a self proclaimed "Messianic Jew", doesn't mean I'm practicing a fake religion. Look into it Mr/Ms Christianity. You'll actually find that I still share the same beliefs as you do, being a Christian. I only practice it differently. I believe in the Messiah. I have full faith in the Lord's plan. I strongly believe in everything happening for a reason. It's pretty much what I live by. 

B) WHO THE HELL am I to say if I'm going to Heaven or not?? I know that I have accepted the Lord J.C. as my savior. I believe in him as the Father, Son, and H.G.. I place all my faith in Him and turn to Him for guidance and aid. I do unto others as I would prefer them do towards me. I prefer to look at the world through the eyes of someone who does good for the sake of doing good. For the sake of helping people that need a little help. For the sake of hoping that perhaps a deed that I do for people or peoples, or creatures, or organizations, or relationships, etc etc... will be seen and received as an example to follow. I do not live my life as a good person for fear  of going to Hell. And if the only reason you chose to be a good person or seek religion is to prevent yourself from being damned eternally... well quite frankly I feel that you've totally missed the point of being Christ-like and living a life that God would be proud of. 

C) It's truly best not to judge. And by you sending me a message like that for no reason whatsoever at 1:30 am ... I'm led to believe that you not only have judged me, but you have taken it upon yourself to analyze your judgement of me and conclude that you, sir, do not think that I would be going to Heaven. 

Here's what you want me to say : I'm an empty soul. I do not have Jesus in my life. I have not accepted Him as my savior. 

Here's the facts : I'm not. I do. I have. And I refuse to allow people like you to assume otherwise just because I do not shove my religion down everyone's throat. Like you do. 

That's it. 

I hope I didn't offend anyone. And if I did... I'm not sorry. This is me. My faith is probably the only part of my life that I'm 100% happy with and sure of. I have more spirit, faith, and love for God in my life than a lot of people I know who claim they do because they go to church every sunday. Which, by the way, was only a tradition started unrightfully by the Catholic church in the 5th century A.D.. Prior to then, EVERYONE observed the Sabbath on Saturdays. The seventh day. Privately. Intimately. On their own. Without any obligatory force coming down upon them to in a sense force them to worship in order to avoid social stigma. Too many people nowadays go to church because they either feel they have to/should... or because its a good social gathering, makes them look good. I'm not saying all people that attend mass regularly do this... But a LOT do. I refuse to allow myself to fall into a pattern of monotony that is in no way DESIRED by me. My private observance of the Sabbath. My weekly readings of specified passages. My decision to celebrate Channuka this year instead of the completely and utterly Christmas. All MY decisions. All things that have made me feel MUCH closer to my religion and to God than I ever could have hoped in my entire life. 

It's fantastic. 

In conclusion, don't you dare come on to me like I'm some lost, hurting, unguided fool who chooses daily to live a life of sin. I don't. Accept it. 

LOVE, 

Me.

My Friends...

Rock harder than any of your friends ever could. 

I am blessed beyond words to have found myself surrounded by the people I have in my life. 

Great, great girl friends who never fail to make me giggle over something dirty, make me smile at something sweet, or help me feel better when things are blue. 

The most loyal set of guy friends who I know will ALWAYS have my back in times of need, times of joy, times of hilarity. 

And a boyfriend who is much, much more than a boyfriend. He is my best friend. And the only person who knows me better than I think I do. 

Thanks to all of you. For everything. 

Some Thoughts

You know how sometimes a thought pops in your head relating to things LONG gone and totally irrelevant to where your life is now? And then you proceed to dwell on that thought for at least 3 minutes wondering, "what is that had ended up completely different?"... well I've been having a lot of those thoughts lately. And I'm going to post them on here because they are all important enough to where I hope to never forget the memories that inspired each of them. 

1.) I miss my mother's side of the family immensely. The Kiernans, while indeed a wily bunch, are the most loving, warm, close-knit example of a family I've ever seen. Regardless of how many of us there are... and how many miles separate all of us... Any time we ALL get together... It's a good time. There are feuds and scandals within the DNA of the family... as there are in all families.. but the best part is that we're able to push them all aside when need be. Any time Garv' or 'Cille are sick and in the hospital... everyone of you Kiernans makes an effort to be there for the rest of us as needed. Whether its a day's ride on a train, or a few hours' spent on a plane... We'll all be there when its needed. I have 15 cousins on that side. 15 of us ranging in age from... ohh.. 7? to around 26?... and while we all have very different interests, aspirations, talents, and goals... we all know how to love one another when brought together and have a lot of fun. I miss you all so much and wish SO dearly that I lived much closer to you all. 

which brings me to my next point... 

2.) What if I had never moved to Texas?! What if I had maintained a life and upbringing in Ridgewood, New Jersey? Well.. I would have graduated from Ridgewood High School... Would I have ever found music? Would I have ever succeeded as well in anything else but music if I had been sent down a different path? Probably not. I got into music because Bear Creek Elem. had an awesome music teacher. I was in plays and in the Choir in Elem. I joined Choir in middle school because it was the cooler option between band, art, and choir. I only pursued solo aspirations in singing because Mrs.Allen, my middle school choir director, encouraged me to sing one of my songs I had been learning in my private voice lessons in front of the whole choir. I did. And the positive responses I got from people I had never even imagined would dare to be seen talking to me... encouraged me! If I could get people to notice me for something that was entertaining, hopefully fun for everyone involved, and more than anything... helped me feel like i was REALLY alive!!.. I would do it. That led me to CHHS choir under the AMAZING and nationally recognized, Danny Detrick. Which led me to many solos... many MANY hours of rehearsal in and out of school. Which led me to All-State competitions that challenged my musicality. Which led me to run for and eventually be elected the President of the CHHS Choir Program. Which inspired to audition for UNTs nationally recognized music school... which I was accepted to. Which led me to study music at UNT for a semester. 

and then quit, haha. 

I didn't really quit... but I decided I'd enjoy music a lot more if I was pushed to pursue it on my own and to make things happen for myself. 

If I had stayed in New Jersey... I wouldn't know ANY of my friends. Except maybe Bryce Francis... since he goes to NYU now. I might have tried harder in high school in order to make it into one of the many Ivy League schools available in the North East. I know one thing is for sure... I would definitely not appreciate the Northeast as much as I do now if I had stayed there through high school. I long to live up there again sometime in the future. We'll have to see about that though. 

3.) If I hadn't moved to Texas... OHMYWORD! I wouldn't know what it's like to be a Texan!! (Which I officially am now. I moved here when I was 9. I am now 19. Suck it easy, y'all). I wouldn't have ever known what it's like to ride the Texas Giant. What it's like to go to a Dallas Cowboys, or Mavericks game. I wouldn't appreciate things like sunsets over the horizon. I wouldn't appreciate a snowfall. I wouldn't appreciate cold fronts in the summer like I do now. I truly don't think I would be anywhere near as at peace with my religion and God as I am now. Texas has a funny way of allowing one's self to open their eyes to EVERYthing. To take longer breaths and walk a bit slower to enjoy the myriad of elements life and this beautiful world has to offer at any given moment in time. There is Texas music. There is Texas food. There is Texas style. There is a Texas way of life that no other state can come close to imitating. While everything is bigger in Texas, I feel that it's also a whole lot better. 

As John Steinbeck once said, "Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession. Above all, Texas is a nation in every sense of the word." 

Amen, brother.

4.) I wonder if YOU still wonder about me. Not regularly... Not for extended periods of time... But just every now and then. If a memory pops up. I wonder if you look back on said memory with a smile and a thought of "What if I'd given her second chance?". I know how happy you are now. Or at least from the pictures I see. And don't get me wrong, I'm beyond pleased with my life today. But, it'd be nice to know if you really ever think about me at all; considering that, once upon a time, you asked that I remain a close and loyal friend to you, regardless of what sort of relationship we found ourselves in. Because I agreed to it. I sacrificed a lot of my happiness for you. I did a lot of favors for you... All the while hoping they may someday be returned. I never really fell out of love with you. And then finally a few years later, we met up. And we both made complete fools out of ourselves. I wish it had been different. I wish we hadn't needed an atmosphere like that to allow ourselves to face each other once again in person without the possibility of awkwardness. What I'm trying to say here in summation, is that I hope I'm a strong enough memory to make it into your thoughts every now and then as you make it into mine. And I hope someday we can regain that friendship we thought we would always have. 

5.) It's funny how people who only met me when I was 15, and were a part of my life daily up until I was only 16 and a half... are still in my life today. Not so much the people that I still see regularly today... But moreso the people who I was only friends with through other people in Lubbock. Who I now receive texts from at least once a week informing me of something silly that happened to them that day. It's invaluable to me to be able to still have really.. REALLY.. heavy and important conversations with people whom I have not seen in almost 3 years. I was a girl without much self esteem or identity when I met these people. And now I'm a young woman, almost halfway through college. I'm in a completely different place in my life. Yet people are still able to see that I am the same Katie that they met way back when. I hope to keep those people in my life for a long time to come. It's nice to know that its possible to maintain connections with people regardless of the distance or time between the two of you. 

6.) I am almost 20 years old and have yet to travel to California. Let alone anywhere out of the U.S.. That needs to change soon. 

7.) I know who I am. Finally. After years of trying to be what I thought people would want me to be and after years of changing myself to keep someone happy... I'm finally at the point where I know for a fact that I have not changed who I am in years, for anyone. And I love my life. And where I am in it. And who I choose to surround myself with. 

8.) I am beyond ready to graduate from college, yet am worried that its going to take me at least 5 years... :( lame. I guess that's to be expected though considering that I'm in my 3rd semester of school... and have already had 3 majors... woops... 

9.) I think about religion, the end of times, heaven/hell, God/Satan, good/evil, sin/virtue... more than anyone I know. I'm sure you're asking "how can you know that?". Trust me. I know. It's like.. every 5 thoughts I have. Kind of ridiculous. But a HUGE part of my life. Kind of annoying that I can't get over thinking about it all. But I guess it's a good thing that I actually think about it. oh well. 

10.) I want nothing more in life than to be a Mom.  

Thats about all. 

I realize this is super random and really only for myself.. but if you got a good chuckle or *hmmm innnteresting* out of it... then hooray! :)

Love love love, 

Katie.